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Do you see now?

She said nobody will ever want you. She said I inconvenienced her life. “The only reason you still here is because I have no Idea where to toss you” She called me a thing.

“Do you see now” is a based on my difficult relationship with my mother. More so about the impact it had on my emotional world. She is obsessive, controlling, manipulative, dismissive, combative and unpredictable. These are traits and pattern that have driven our relationship. We fought every other day. I grew fearful of her, secretly fearful. Over time the fear grew into anxiety because I’ve had to live in guard and defence.

“Do you see now” talks about my emotional experience in enduring this relationship. When I sought for help, I was not understood because what I was talking about was not evident, this work is my endeavour to depict the hurt, confusion and disconnection I have felt.

She said nobody will ever want me and I believed it. I rejected myself and I too dismissed any sort of possible emotional interactions and still longed a sense of deep connection. I’ve felt a sense of losing myself, a self that I knew slowly dying. I believed I was dying.

I speak in past tense because we now live in silence. We hardly talk to each other. I thought it was better that way. But the silence isn’t quiet.